Ventriloquist

How can you appear so perfect, so real? Yet everytime I reach out to touch the beauty that I know is there, you slip away. Just farther and farther, until you are completely lost from my small hands. I don't know what to think about you. I try to see the good of this, but I can't wrap around my mind why you might want to be there for me. It seems so improbable really. You're graceful and lithe, and I still appear to have a mental blockage from my brain to my feet. I'm going to get hurt, like so many of the other times, but I can't seem to stop myself. I think I enjoy pain. I know I enjoy pain actually, or I wouldn't be standing here letting this happen. I need to be straightforward and just tell you, but how can anyone do that? I think I've given up a long time ago, but I'm not so sure I wanted to. That would explain the current situation that has me standing in the middle of a highway, letting cars slam against my body. One by one, breaking the bones in my body, until I am nothing on the pavement. I want you to breathe life back into me like you've done so many times without even noticing, but I couldn't even handle it. The disappointment that comes with that is so huge, so heartbreaking, I don't think I could do it. It's sad to be this emotionally inept. It's like I have nothing left to care about anyone, which might explain why I'm such a bitch all of the time. I really just want people not to worry about me. Just because I'm 5'1 does not under any circumstances mean I'm helpless. You know how some people take trips to rid themselves of all the clutter in their minds? As a minor, I think it's fair to ask for a bit of time to myself, just to be completely empty for a while. No questions concerning my well being, just complete solitude.