All I Want

Your arm tightened around my waist, and it took me by surprise, but I liked it and everything came pouring back in. I let my eyes drift shut, just to see if I could feel calm and relaxed and the second I closed them a firework show of a hundred colors exploded behind my eyes. I felt the corners of my mouth pull upward for a second and then drop. I thought about everything. everything. everything. and then let it go. I felt you pull me closer, always closer, and your legs covered mine and my breath caught and I felt yours deepen. And I was scared. I was so scared. I felt my eyes sting again and my heart quicken with every touch and how I wanted to mold myself into you but figured that would be innappropriate for now so I just lay there and let some of the tears go away and dry up. I went to the bathroom, quick to make sure you couldn't see the smeared mascara or that my eyes were clearer from crying and stood in front of the mirror with one hand tangled in my hair, pulling, and the other clenching the counter in some attempt to achieve normalcy and look at you again. I came back out, watching the neverending cigarette that you always have sticking to your hands burn slowly while you clenched your eyes shut and had the same look on your face that I had on mine not even five minutes ago. My jaw tightened involuntarily and I walked to sit on the bed next to you.

And I loved being touched and held and kissed by you. My forehead, eyelids, cheeks, shoulders, lips. And I still shudder a bit and grin like an idiot everytime you say you love me and I feel like I'm seeing you for the first time whenever I see you.