Deep Sea Diver

I stood so fast all of the blood rushed to my toes and I couldn't figure which way was up and which way was down so I just sat down again and closed my eyes so I could see you speak to me again in my subconscious because that's the only place I can listen to you and the only place I can see you without remorse. I'm so self conscious of smelling like anything but what I used to smell like that I use soo much soap and soo many smells on my body and all they do is make me into a different person. I slept for four hours while the sun was shining and woke up to light that was sharp and made me wonder if my dream of her blonde head resting on my lap and me not being able to open one eye because I was blind or it was just too bright was actually coming true. Mustaches tickle my eyelids so I usually don't like them, but you wore it nicely, so I thought that maybe this once I would let you get away with tickling my eyelids and then I realized that I like it a lot and that you could tickle my eyelids all day if it meant that I could give you butterfly kisses while you slept. My heartbeat shudders all around me and I've never felt weaker in my entire life for so many days in a row and I don't know why. I hover on the fringe of waking every night all night so I wake up more exhausted than I did when I fell into sleep. That's the easy part, sleeping. The hardest part is listening to her scream (and they're grabbing my toes and begging for life with their eyes) and him laugh while their hands move in blurring motions in front of my too-tired love eyes and I chain myself to the ground just because I'm afraid of leaving this earth. All I asked was for you to unbutton your shirt a little bit so I might see the world on your chest because that's where it rests when it's tired, just like my head when I can't bear to see anything anymore. More and more I understand why it is I do the things I do, and more and more I forget the reasons until I'm shivering in the ocean at the edge of the world and I can't feel the skin on my stomach and there's an absence of hair flowing down my back like it used to. I dove deep into the pool with my eyes open so I could experience being half in and half out but it hurt so much I figured it would be best to just not. She screamed at me to hold on and I didn't, and kept runningrunningrunning until my legs were in so much pain I couldn't figure out which way was up and which way was back to you and I collapsed in my heart and never resurfaced because I hate the thought of living this way and I want out. I hate forced creativity, which is why I can't stand you. I fell down two flights of stairs and couldn't feel my legs for a split second until I stood and it was better, but now there's a huge bruise that runs along four or five discs in my spinal cord and one very large one that runs across my heart that the stairs didn't enforce.

There's a lot I don't know right now and it scares me more than I know how to deal with.