All The Icy Highs That Contain All Reason

Submission to every vice I can get my hands on, that's the only submission that will affect me now. There's no more submission to you, I'm stronger than that. There are so many vice's. If this is the way you wanted to show me that I could handle problems on my own, you fucking did it. I can do this by myself. I refuse to let this one, even though I promised myself it was different than all the others, be the one to make or break me. I've been doing this for 15 years, a two month break is not long enough to forget how to cope with loss. I've seen so many girls ripped apart and torn from their boyfriends losing them, I promised myself a long time ago that I refuse to be one of them. Yes, I still love you. I will always love you. The one thing that I never even considered an option with you became in inevitable in your eyes, and that fucking hurts. It hurts that you tried for a month and couldn't wait until I saw you in person to talk it over with me. Instead, you made the decision while I was in Houston, isolated from my mother and friends. Instead, you left me with a bottle of gin and a handful of pills to give me comfort. That was cruel, so many people keep reminding me that it was, but I can't even bring about the kind of emotion it takes to hate you, or even feel loss at the fact that you're gone. Maybe it hasn't sunk in yet, maybe it never will. All I wanted to do was be the first one to welcome you into the day, the first one to kiss your lips, the first one to say I love you, and hoped you had a good day, and be the one you came to when you had a bad day, and the one to lull you to sleep at night when you needed someone the most. Trust has never been an easy thing for me, and with some things it doesn't ever come. But I can tell you that two and a half months isn't enough to build an unquestioning amount of trust... for anyone I've ever met. There are still people who I've known for years and don't trust. It breaks my heart that it was an issue for us. It breaks my heart that I couldn't trust you. I was trying and building. It was going to take a while. I'm so sorry.