The crushing weight that squeezes everything I have out of me. It crushes out all of the affection, love, will, hope, and care that I've accumulated over years. Sweat sticks to my skin, making it hard to move, to breathe, without the sickening feeling of my skin sticking to everything. The people I love move around me like ghosts, floating in and out of the delicate life I've constructed in hopes of being who I once was. It takes so little to shatter that now. One word, action, sound. The glance from a stranger across a small, smokey room. That same stranger's hand softly tracing the way from the back of my neck to the small of my back. It's the words whispered in the dead of the night from the voice all too framiliar, but so unknown. A seductive purr from the woman on the street corner, throwing her body to the wolves. His face, murmmering the words I won't ever hear again, holding me closer to his body in attempt to smother me with the affection gone from my life. Her malicious grin as she steps forward, taking him into an embrace with such fervor it gives a new name to affection. Him whispering to her, 'my girl, my girl' as I watch from a distance, blood rushing to my cheeks and bile rising in my throat. The small razor, as it bites the skin, bringing tiny droplets of blood to the surface, to roll over the bones. The bile rising again to fill my mouth with unforgiving tastes. The convulsing that has me puking what little I have in my stomach, whether I have time to get to the toilet or not. The smell of dried vomit in my hair after rising in a puddle of it after a night of heart wrenching sorrow. Texts from him, cold and unrelenting, with me just trying to help, to be light and easy, to keep my head above water. Longing for him to hold me, to be there, to tell me he loves me, and that he doesn't want to leave, to have the same hope that he did a week ago.
All of it brings me shuddering to the hard cold ground, trying to breath, clutching fistfuls of hair, and repeating, over and over again 'stupid, stupid, stupid'. There's no attempt to sit up, to try and find a more comfortable position, all I can do is hit my head against the floor and try to breathe. Try to breathe. Promises that time will take it away, when the only thing time is taking away is me. I'm suffocating here, and there's no way to breathe. Slowly disentegrating into nothing, and it hurts. It hurts so much.