Lille

Every time I breathe or move or look at myself in the mirror it's like a million invisible wasps stinging me all over my body, each stinger pushing deeper into my soft skin. There's more pain than I can handle during these days, more than I'm capable of handling and turning to the shots seems like a more appropriate response than wallowing, but it also makes me weak. It makes me a fucking liar and it makes me a coward for not wanting to face anything that is inevitably thrown in my face and will continually be thrown at high speeds these two long years while I wait for freedom. I can't help the overwhelming sense of independence and love for myself as a human being, though. Those two feelings have grown from nothing, or very close to it, to something that consumes everyday life. I'm proud of myself, no doubt. I'm proud of still having these feelings of love for myself and others without relying on anyone but myself to make me happy. I'm proud of overcoming suicide when it all came crashing down and being able to wait and keep myself up without having him. Dreams of him still penetrate the thick wall of new memories I've held up as my greatest defense against those that shake me awake in the mornings, covered in sweat and tears for loss.

Life has, in some way, picked up more than I expected it to. While I wait for more freedom, I'm somewhat able to live a happy life. I can't say that it's because I'm surrounded by friends and family that are there for me, though that might be a big part of it. It's more that I've seen the way people live and I'm not impressed by it anymore. I've looked back on the way I lived those three years and I'm not impressed by myself. I've let people walk all over me, back and forth, over scars that run so deep it's an everyday struggle to embrace them and change them. Weaving them into the fabric of me and living with it is a hell of a lot harder than I expected, and shaping myself into someone I'm more comfortable with, someone I can, with time, love, is when the wasps come and sting with more power. But it's something that I'm willing to embrace. I just want to be better and stronger, more so than I am now. As hard as it it, memories of him still clinging to every pore in my body, I have GOT to be happy. These are my prime years for shaping myself into someone better and I'm taking advantage of it. 

I miss you, sunshine love.